As Sick As Your Secrets
by JaggedHands
Summary: Just a one shot following the episode 'forgiving Rollins'. Olivia picks up the pieces after Amanda breaks down in her office.


As Sick As Your Secrets

Olivia opened the door to her office and let her eyes wander across the bullpen until she spotted the person she was looking for. "Rollins, my office please."

Fin raised his eyebrows towards his partner receiving an awkward shrug from the blonde. Her heart was hammering violently in her chest and her palms began to sweat profusely. The older detective held the door open for her as she reluctantly stepped into Olivia's domain.

"Have a seat." she gestured with her hand towards the black leather chair positioned opposite her own.

Amanda knew that this wasn't good. If her boss told her to sit down that ment that this was going to take a while. She shook her head slightly. "Um, no that's okay, I've got loads of paperwork that needs to be sorted so I was hoping we could make this quick?"

"It's important." Liv sighed and cocked her head to the side.

Amanda let out a deep shaky breath and did as she was told. Sitting across from her boss, in her office, alone made her feel very tense and uncomfortable. All she wanted to do was to bolt right through the door and escape the awkwardness but she knew she was stuck here now. "What's going on?" she asked, avoiding eye contact with the brunette.

Olivia folded her hands together and rested them on her desk, trying to get Amanda to look at her. "I just wanted to see how you're doing? After the Patton case and everything that's been going on lately. It couldn't have been easy on you." she carefully stated.

The blonde plastered a fake smile onto her face. "I'm fine, sarge." then she made an attempt to leave. "Can I get back to work now?" she was eager to get out of the whole situation and for everything to go back to normal.

Liv raised her hand to stop the blonde from going anywhere. "Listen, what you went through with Patton... I... I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am that you had to go through that but... if you don't deal with it now, it's gonna come back and it will eat you up."

Turning her head to the side, Amanda bit her lower lip trying to keep the tears at bay and not spill down her cheeks. She shrugged and blinked rapidly at the salty drops threatening to fall. "I've gone through it." she stated calmly. "You're only as sick as your secrets, right? I'm going to meetings." she tried making a joke out of it.

Liv obviously didn't see the amusement in this situation and sighed. "Yeah, for gambling." Tilting her head to the side she looked at the young detective and noticed the tears brimming in her eyes. "Look, I know you think that paying someone to listen to your problems is not..."

"I shouldn't have said that." Amanda interrupted, raising her hands and taking a step closer to Liv before looking away once more.

"Then make it up to me." Olivia said and retrieved a business card from the top drawer and made her way around the desk towards Amanda. "I want you to see my therapist."

The blonde just looked at the card, making no attempt to take it. "I'm not seeing your therapist." she firmly stated and shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest.

"It's just for a referral. I want you to call him today. You have an opportunity here, Amanda. It's important that..."

"Okay." the blonde said and almost snatched the card from her sergeant's hand. "Fine, I'll make the call."

Olivia's physical closeness was making her extremely uncomfortable. She hated when other people saw her weak and vulnerable and she wanted to get away as soon as possible. She turned towards the door to leave but Liv was in the way which caused her to start panicking. Her chest got tight, like someone was sitting on top of her while she was struggling to breathe. The tears that had previously been kept under control were now falling down her face, leaving pale marks in their wake.

Liv was quick to close the blinds away from prying eyes then placed a hand on a quivering shoulder. "Okay," she gently soothed and led the blonde towards the small couch in the corner of her big office. "Sit down, honey. You're okay."

Amanda made one last attempt to get away but Liv saw right through her and kept a firm hand on her lower back. "Just sit down for a minute. It's okay." gently she guided Amanda down onto the sofa before taking a seat next to her. "Can you tell me what's going through your head right now?"

The brunette tried to gently urge the younger woman to open up and talk to her but when Amanda placed a hand over her heaving chest and couldn't get a word out, then Liv understood that she needed time to compose herself. "Okay, sweetie. Take your time."

She reached over a grabbed a handfull of tissues from the box positioned on the small coffee table. The blonde wiped at her tears but new ones kept coming which made her frustrated and only caused more tears to fall. Liv crossed her legs, leaned back against the backrest and brought the sobbing woman with her.

Amanda was too emotional to argue or resist. It felt good, in a way, to have someone hold her, comforting her for once. She was safely tucked against Olivia's side, feeling her warm soothing hands rubbing up and down her side and the other stroking her hair gently. "I'm... I'm sorry." she stuttered between sobs, feeling the embarrassment creeping over her.

"Shhhh," Liv hushed and pulled her closer. "You have nothing to be sorry for," she whispered, "just let yourself go for once, Amanda. Just take your time and cry. I'm right here and I'll always be here for you. Don't fight it."

Amanda pulled her knees up to her chest and Liv tucked her against her side as tightly as she could, her hand now rubbing Amanda's thigh, holding onto her legs as she cried. "It's okay, you're okay." she soothed and placed a kiss on the blonde locks underneath her chin. "You're okay."

Olivia knew that this was bound to have happen sooner or later and she was just grateful that it happened now when she was around to help her pick up the pieces. "Take all the time you need, sweetheart. All the time you need. I'm right here."

The End.


End file.
